Good girls falling for bad boys is old news

 

You would think that after your boyfriend has disappeared for a week; told you he has a girlfriend; or ditches plans for dinner, not once but twice in one week, you would break-up with him.

This has not been the case for a handful of women in my social circle. My friends, ranging from the ages of 22 to 55 years-old, are hopelessly devoted to emotionally-unavailable men.

With their fantasies of togetherness, my friends call me to talk about their ‘perfect days and nights.’

Hand-in-hand they will walk along the beach, water brushing at their ankles as they kiss against the sunset: They spend a wonderful thanksgiving dinner together where his mother says, “call me Mom:” Or tells the gorgeous woman in my life “I love you,” seemingly meaning these three words from the bottom of his heart.

They are so convinced these men have changed; they convince me. And just when their smiles are glimmering all day long, there is no phone call, no more dinners with ‘Mom,’ and it turns out Sex-addict is very happy with his live-in girlfriend after all.

My you-can-do-way-better friends are stuck in a cycle. What’s up with this wonderfully creative, intelligent, sexy women giving into to Low-life number one, two, three and four?!

Vancouver-based, Certified Canadian Counselor, Pamela Catapia, says there are generally three reasons why great women continue to pursue emotionally-unavailable men.

Catapia says, one reason is that women have a fear of commitment. As a defense mechanism, the woman will subconsciously be attracted to men who have a fear of commitment as well, assuring the stagnant relationship will not develop.

This fear of commitment could stem from past heartbreak. She could feel “it’s too scary” to be in a committed relationship, says Catapia.
 

Fear of rejection is another reason why women chase the bad-boy. In this case, the woman feels if a man truly took the time to get to know her, he would not be attracted to her anymore.

Lastly, certain women seek emotionally-unavailable men because it is familiar. Catapia says many women with this problem had one or more parents who were withdrawn or distant, causing it to transfer over into her future relationships.

“She’s creating the same relationship over and over,” says Catapia, “but this time hoping to change the other person.” She may have not been able to get that closeness with the parent, “but she’s hoping to with the guy.”

No matter what the situation is, if you’re dating the emotionally-unavailable man, Catapia says firmly, not unless he’s had a “life-threatening, or near death accident” will this man change.

So, smarten up ladies and break the cycle! We all know you deserve multiple ‘perfect days.’
 
 
To learn more about Pamela Catapia and her private practice, Aspire Consulting, visit PamelaCatapia.com. Or contact her by email: pmcatapia@telus.net.

AIDS Walk for Life

On September 21st, thousands of Vancouverites and others all over Canada joined together for the Annual Scotiabank AIDS Walk for Life. I fundraised for the event along with my other classmates, and participated in the walk as the “SFU Team”. For some reason, it rained the entire week, except for the Sunday of the walk.

As I researched the walk, I found out that it was established in Vancouver in 1986, and the event was so successful, that many more cities quickly followed. Because of the many cities that started to participate, the Canadian AIDS Society (CAS) decided to take on the role of coordinating the walk in 1996, and established AIDS Walk Canada. The walk puts emphasis on community driven projects and national awareness. The walks have raised $28 million to date to support services and programs for people affected by HIV/AIDS.

Each year, the walk picks a piece of artwork from a Canadian HIV-positive artist to show in their promotional materials, to serve as a link to the public. The message is meant to inspire people in a positive way, and show that this disease is not meant to slow anyone down. This year, Morgan McConnell’s art was chosen. McConnell says,  “Since the mid-1990s, HIV has been losing importance in the eyes of many Canadians. It has been downgraded from deadly disease to manageable illness, and for many people it has become something that one can easily live with. This new face of HIV has made it seem much less deadly to society at large. For those living with the virus, however, HIV has not been forgotten. People in Canada are still getting sick and dying. The false sense that HIV is manageable has led to people in Canada, including youth, becoming infected at an ever-increasing rate.”

Walks such as this remind people that HIV and AIDS are still prominent in our city, and that we are not so different from the people living across the ocean. We often get caught up in stereotypes and generalize that people in Africa need help with AIDS “the most”, and this causes people to think that there’s already been a cure for HIV. There hasn’t.  When taking the 135 bus from SFU to Harbour Centre , the two blocks of the downtown east side causes people to look away, or ignore what’s going on in our own back yards. I however, think that those two blocks are important in reminding us what work still needs to be done, and events such as the AIDS Walk for Life, are bringing us closer to solving our problems.

Women & HIV: Microbicides

According to the World Health Organization, women now make up 70% of the world’s HIV infected population. In the earlier days of HIV, people who were thought to be most “at-risk” were injection drug users, and men who have sex with men. Although that’s not far from the truth, the HIV/AIDS movement has dramatically changed and now the focus is shining on women. In countries such as India and Sub-Saharan Africa, women are being infected by their husbands and have little power to act on the issue.

Microbicides are the promise for the feminization of HIV. They are compounds that can be applied to the inside of the vagina to protect against sexually transmitted infections (STIs), including HIV. They usually come in the form of gels, films or creams. Presently there is no working microbicide available, but according to the WHO there are now around 60 microbicides in clinical trials.

The main rationale behind microbicides is that unlike condoms, women can have control over their bodies by using these products without the knowledge or cooperation of their partners. The developing world where this powerlessness against male partners is most evident is where the HIV epidemic is growing the quickest. And since there are no current vaccines for HIV, microbicides would be an excellent alternative to condoms.

A recent cost-benefit analysis (done by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine) showed that if a certain microbicide were to be implemented in 73 low-income countries, the HIV rate would fall from 30 to 40%, and would save close to 6 million infections over the course of 3 years (in men, women and children). These numbers also show that the health care costs would fall by an astounding 3.2 billion US dollars. Figures such as this indicate that even a low-effective microbicide could mean a giant step forward in the fight against HIVAIDS.

So why is there such little research being done? And why is there such a lack of funding in microbicide research? The biggest drawback is that microbicide research has not been taken on by any of the larger pharmaceutical companies, and the development cost of microbicides can scale up to tens of millions of dollars. Currently the work that is being done on microbicides is by small biotechnology companies and individual researchers. Larger scale companies do not see them as profitable since the market will be “poor women”.

In reality, the market for microbicides is much larger, as many advocates agree. They will not only be effective in the low-income countries, but worldwide. Even in Vancouver, many of the at-risk groups are large advocates for microbicides. Some people argue that even though microbicides will help a little bit, it will not make a dramatic difference. But when it comes to people getting infected with a deadly virus with little to no treatment, does it really matter if the difference is dramatic?

AIDS in the Media

Hello to everyone out there! I’m very excited to join KOW as a blogger, but I should warn everyone before I begin that I am a science student who is very much lacking in writing proficiency. So, if I am off on a tangent, or invent new words, I apologize.

For about a year now, I have been interested in the topic of HIV/AIDS, and have made it a goal of mine to learn more about it. So, as I learn and discover anything I can about the subject, you will all know as well! For today’s blog, I’m going to talk about a recent workshop I attended which was put on by SFPIRG and the YouthCO AIDS Society called “AIDS in the Media”.

I had a great time at the workshop, and gained some very valuable insight about how the media is using HIV/AIDS as another source of income. One of the ads we discussed was the “Product (Red) Campaign” put on by the Gap. Personally, I think GAP is a great store; I even worked in one for a couple of months. But after reading the campaign statement for Product (Red), I was very disappointed. Below is a part of the actual manifesto of the Product (Red) campaign:

“(Red) is not a charity. It is simply a business model. You buy (Red) stuff. We get the money. Buy the pills and distribute them. They take the pills, stay alive, and continue to take care of their families and contribute socially and economically to their communities.

If they don’t get the pills, they die. We don’t want them to die. We want to give them pills, and we can. You can. It’s easy.

All you have to do is upgrade your choice.”

After reading that, I felt very insulted. Not only is the language is fragmented and vague, I felt that they were writing it for elementary school students (who I can assume is not their primary demographic). I feel that a person without any prior knowledge of HIV/AIDS will get the idea that it is simply a problem of people not receiving the drugs, when in reality, it is much more. Another common misconception brought on by these campaigns is that antiretroviral drugs can cure HIV. In reality, there is no vaccine or cure for HIV at this time.

It is true that only 28% of people who need antiretroviral drugs (a drug cocktail discovered by Dr. David Ho, which prevents the HIV virus from mutating, and causes it to lay dormant for long periods) are receiving them, however, even if the countries were supplied with them, HIV is often found in extremely remote regions of impoverished nations. Transportation and sheer manpower of delivery and supervision of the drug course regiment is needed, all things that will not become a reality if you buy a GAP shirt.

Product (Red) was one example out of many companies that made the issue of HIV/AIDS segregated to just Africa, leaving a lot of people to believe that it was just a problem in the East. More and more companies are using the guilt factor to endorse their brands and market their products. The demographic is usually people from 18 to 30, who want to do something good for the world, so they believe that incorporating products that are “supporting HIV/AIDS awareness” is their good deed for the day. I feel that companies like the GAP do have good intentions, and if the proceeds are actually going to where they say they are, then great! But before buying into the hype and marketing, one should take a look at where the money is going, and educate himself or herself on the subject.

Although the ARV drugs are a very serious problem, I feel that more funding should be put in place for education and HIV awareness. But more on that in the next blog!